There are thinking habits many of us fall into without noticing, which can lead to self-hate. Seeing them clearly is the beginning of loosening their grip. We don’t end up hating ourselves on purpose. Habits show up whether learned from family, culture, or survival. Most, likely started as coping. They became familiar, comfortable. These are things many of us do without even realizing it. When can actually notice them, we get to choose to do something different.

How to become an expert at self-loathing.

1. Notice a mistake you made and overthink it into a verdict about how bad you are. Review all of the ways this mistake makes you a terrible person and then repeat.
2. Eat like you’re trying to prove something to your past. Choose the food that feels like surrender. Will it be salt, sugar? Pick the type of meal that rewards you for five minutes and punishes you three hours later. When the crash comes, go back to step one. Think about the guilt and remind yourself you should be ashamed for eating that food.
3. Take (or stay in) a job that deadens you from the inside. Sign up for the comfortable commute. Attend meetings that make you choose to stay small and silent. Accept a title that sounds respectable. Let your calendar become a ledger of compromises.
4. Label yourself an introvert and lock the door. Decide you’re an “introvert” in the way someone chooses a permanent uniform. Use that label as an excuse to avoid possibility. Don’t ever accept an invitation because you are an introvert and that means you can never go out. Create a shell around yourself which cannot be cracked, do not let that happen. Then, go back to step one. Consider all of the people who will “not like you at the party” if you do take an invitation. Alternatively, think about how mad people will be that you didn’t go.
5. Become the person who can’t say no. If “extrovert” is your badge, accept every invite until you dissolve. Overbook your life. Lie to your best friend about why you missed half of her party. Then return to step one to focus on how terrible you are for doing this.
6. Find the ugliest part of you in the mirror and stare. Scan, name, and narrate the worst feature you have until it fills your brain. Make that one small feature you filter with disgust the entire biography of you. Imagine EVERYONE is focused on it when you go anywhere.
7. Make screens your ecosystem. Stay indoors on a screen. Do not under any circumstances go out into nature. Do not move your body in the form of walking, dance, or expression through exercise, weights, etc.
8. Treat others like your inner critic treats you. Say the cruel things you would say to yourself out loud to others. Then replay what you said in your head to remind yourself of how mean you were.
9. Repeat….or pause and choose to do something else.

Was this a rough read?
If it was, take a nice deep breath. It’s all right, you’re not alone.

If you were thinking, “Okay… so what do I do instead?” here are a few things that actually help and don’t require you to become a different person overnight:

Do the gentlest possible opposite action.
If you want to hide, text one friend instead of disappearing. If you overbook, cancel one thing with honesty instead of spiraling. If you’re criticizing yourself in the mirror, put your hand on the part you dislike. Then, breathe for ten seconds. It doesn’t fix everything. It interrupts the pattern.

Interrupt the thought, even for one second.
When you notice the self-attack starting, pause long enough to ask: Is this actually true?
Watch Joe Hudson’s video for more ideas on this. You can find it here: How to Break Free From Overthinking. He covers 4 ways to help yourself. If you want to go deeper, Byron Katie’s The Work provides a clear process. It works with the Is it true question.

Come back to your values.
Who are you now? Do you still have the same values that led you to where you are?
Pick one or two values that actually matter (kindness, creativity, rest, stability, growth, love, peacefulness, whatever values). Then make one small choice that aligns with your values: one meal, one conversation, one “yes” or one “no.” Tiny alignment is stronger than dramatic change. Exercises for defining and living your values — My Best Self 101

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