In my teens and twenties, I thought I needed to understand why I felt a certain way. I also believed I needed to know why I believed something to change it. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why I felt certain emotions. I also tried to determine why I repeated certain actions. I read, studied, and dug in. Sometimes I figured it out, and only then did I believe I could change. Those were the successful times.

Fast forward. Over the years, the urge to constantly figure out the why became less intense. I still found myself digging, just not as often. Then, in my early forties, it occurred to me to ask myself: What if I don’t need to know why I hold a belief? What if I don’t need to know why I behave a certain way? What if I can just change ?

I can just change.

It sounds simple, but it didn’t feel simple at the time. It felt a little scary and a little freeing. I decided to try letting go of the need to find the reason for just one issue. I wanted to see what would happen. I can’t remember what that specific issue was anymore. It was likely something about how I interacted at work or at home. I let go of needing to understand why I started interacting that way and just change how I interacted.

And letting go of the why worked.

When I focused my time and energy on the change itself, vs “why do I do this?” the new behavior was easier to do. It’s the choice from asking why to asking what or how? How will I approach moving forward? What is one thing I can do to change this?

I realized I may never know the why. That’s okay. Focusing only on understanding the cause can actually prevent positive change. It can keep me stuck. Interestingly, making the change first often led me to understand the why later anyway. I’d try the new behavior and pay attention to my thoughts. Then a realization of why I had done the old behavior would pop up.

I don’t ignore the why these days. There are some issues which benefit from digging into the why. It’s not a one size, only one way solution. There are times though that skipping the why can help you move forward. Understanding is helpful, but it does not have to be a prerequisite for growth.

If there’s something you’re ready to change. Try one small change today. Do it without needing to solve the entire story behind it first.

Resources:

• Tiny Habits
• Atomic Habits
• Don’t Believe Everything You Think
• Podcast “Reset Your Relationship with Stress” from The Happiness Lab

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