During conversations, I’ve noticed something important. If I sense the other person is in debate mode, it’s very easy for me to jump into defense mode. I can become defensive and not even catch myself. That defensiveness can be a major derailer to connection and communication.

The classic definition of communication: “Effective communication happens only when the receiver understands the message in exactly the same way the sender intended.” is true and there is another layer.

We need to recognize our own defense mechanisms when they show up. This helps us in the quest for effective communication. Without that awareness, we risk missing the sender’s intent and ultimately missing the opportunity to connect.

Communication can break down because of the internal noise we add to it. This can show up at home and at work. Leaders who get defensive can unintentionally shut down feedback, discourage openness, and derail trust. Recognizing defensiveness is about opening the door inside yourself to better communication.

One way to counter defensiveness is to build small practices into our conversations.

• Pause before responding.
• Clarify what the other person is actually trying to say. “What I hear you saying is…do I have it?”
• Notice when defensiveness starts to rise. Sometimes even a quick mental acknowledgment (“I feel defensive right now”) can shift the energy. You can choose to use that statement internally only. If you feel comfortable enough with the person, you could choose to share it verbally.

When we listen for connection with openness, we open the door to truly understanding one another.

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