We’ve heard the idea that, “In conversations, men look to solve problems and women just want to be heard.” It’s catchy and simple. It’s also potentially incomplete. While research has found some patterns in how men and women communicate, those differences are often overstated. Many of us have experienced both sides of wanting to fix a problem in one moment and simply to feel understood in another.

The question may not be about gender at all. It may be about what we believe the problem actually is. This idea came to me during a conversation on the topic. I thought: I want to solve my friends’ problems every time I talk to them and I’m a woman. Does this idea really hold up? Or are we looking at it through the wrong framework?

Don’t women also try to solve problems when a friend comes to them? Yes, they often do. They just might be solving for something different.

Most of us have been taught to define “problem-solving” in a very narrow way:

• Give advice
• Offer a fix
• Suggest a next step

In other words, solve the situation. What if that’s not always the actual problem a listener, whether they are a man or woman, is trying to solve?

What if the listener is trying to solve for:

• feeling dismissed
• feeling overwhelmed
• feeling alone in the experience

In that case, listening, validating, and understanding isn’t passive. It’s a very specific kind of problem-solving.

Perhaps the difference isn’t that:

• Men solve
• Women listen

Maybe it’s that:

• Some people solve for the situation
• Some people solve for the emotional experience

Both are trying to help. Both are solving. They’re just solving for different outcomes. This is where communication can break down. One person offers solutions when the other wants understanding. The other offers empathy when the first wants direction.

Both walk away thinking: “Why aren’t they hearing me?”

The issue isn’t that one person cares more, it’s that they’re solving for different problems.

• Instead of asking, “Why aren’t they listening?”
• Ask, “What problem do they think they’re solving right now?”
• And maybe even more importantly: “What problem am I actually trying to solve?”

Maybe the real goal isn’t choosing between listening and solving. Maybe it’s making sure the listener is solving for the need the speaker actually has.

References

Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

Tannen, D. (2016). The truth about gender differences in how we speak. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-truth-about-gender-differences-in-how-we-speak/

Nguyen, M. T. (2022). Gender Differences in Listening: Research Perspectives. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/362403855_Gender_Differences_in_Listening_Research_Perspectives

Canary, D. J., & Hause, K. S. (1993). Is there any reason to research sex differences in communication? Communication Quarterly, 41(2), 129–144.

Booth-Butterfield, M. (1984). The influence of sex roles on communication strategies. Communication Quarterly, 32(2), 136–142.

Cameron, D. (2007). The Myth of Mars and Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages? Oxford University Press.

EBSCO Research Starters. (n.d.). Genderlect Theory. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/communication-and-mass-media/genderlect-theory

Gender Study. (n.d.). Gendered language patterns: Men and women communication. https://gender.study/psychology-of-gender/gendered-language-patterns-men-women-communication/

Save My Exams. (n.d.). Two key studies of gender and communication. https://www.savemyexams.com/dp/psychology/ib/17/hl/revision-notes/human-relationships/personal-relationships-role-of-communication/two-key-studies-of-gender-and-communication/

Additional Reading:

• Collective Illusions by Todd Rose
• Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
• The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth
• Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong
• Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong
• The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life
• Leaders Eat Last

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